Confronting my Idols

I don't think I'm in any danger of bowing down to golden calves, as people did in the time of Moses.  But there are certainly times when I choose to let things in my life push God away from being in first place.

I wanted to expand on some of the examples of my own idols that I wrote about in my last blog post:

*If I'm crushed after a conversation with someone because I wasn't affirmed by them, then to me that's a sign that I care too much what they think.  Their positive opinion of me matters more to me than anything else, and has become an idol. 

In this case, I find it helpful to stop and consider my priorities.  I try to shift my focus away from what this one person thinks of me, and onto better patterns of thinking:  How can I best love this person?  How am I doing at showing love to those whose opinions I'm not so concerned about?  Those are the things that I know are really important.

It can be helpful to remind myself, "What matters is that God is great; I don't have to be seen as great".   

(Perhaps different response are helpful to others, but this seems to be the best way for me to deal with those feelings)

*Sometimes my plans are my idols.  Whether it's staying in a location or a role that I love, taking part in a certain event, or even my family size.  When these desires more important to me than following God on the journey through life, wherever it might lead, my plans have become idols.

I know that I need to lay down my own plans, and be willing for them to change.  I need to have a trust in God and a hope for the future that isn't reliant on things going in the way I think they should, or am planning on.

*When 'wanting to be helpful' goes from being a healthy desire to being an unhealthy 'need', then I'll notice it in my feelings.  If losing an opportunity to help someone brings out extreme emotions in me, then I can tell that this desire to be helpful has become an idol for me.

I need to remind myself that God is the healer.  He may or may not choose to use me in the lives of others.  My desires for God to be glorified and for others to receive healing need to come before any longing I may have to be involved in the process.

*If I find myself unwilling to press 'send' on an email because of my fear of making a mistake, then I know that my desire to get things right has become too important to me. 

Things go better when I decide to trust God with the outcome, even if my obsessive fears are still trying to convince me that the world may fall apart as a result of my actions.

And as I listen to my emotions more, I'm sure I'll find further areas where a change of priorities is in order, and where calmer emotions often follow as a result of this change.
 

Horrible, Helpful Emotions

There are all sorts of views out there on emotions.  From 'Let your emotions be your guide' to 'Ignore your emotions and focus only on your thoughts', with a whole heap of other ideas in between.

I'm discovering a few things about myself, when it comes to working out what to do with my own emotions. 

As a mentioned last time, there are a lot of emotions that I don't feel deeply.

However, I've noticed that paying attention to difficult feelings can be extremely helpful: My feelings often are an indication that I need to straighten out my thinking, or make positive changes in my life.  At other times, feelings just are there, to be lived with until they fade.

My difficult emotions seem to fall roughly into three categories:

A) Feelings That Help Me Identify My Idols

By 'Idol' I mean anything, or anyone, who has become more important to me than God.  If I'm seeking after something or someone else at the expense of seeking after God, then I consider it an idol.

*If I'm crushed after a conversation with someone because I wasn't affirmed by them, then for me that's a sign that I care too much what they think.  Their positive opinion of me matters more to me than anything else, and has become an idol. 

*Sometimes my plans are my idols.  Whether it's staying in a location or a role that I love, taking part in a certain event, or even my family size.  When these desires more important to me than following God on the journey through life, wherever it might lead, my plans have become idols.

*When 'wanting to be helpful' goes from being a healthy desire to being an unhealthy 'need', then I'll notice it in my feelings.  If losing an opportunity to help someone brings out extreme emotions in me, then I can tell that this desire to be helpful has become an idol for me.

*If the thought of pressing 'send' on an email fills me with dread because of my fear of making a mistake, then I know that my desire to get things right has become too important to me.

(To stop this post from getting even longer, I started a new blog post to describe how I attempt to confront these idols!)

Please note: I'm not saying that every feeling is an indication of an unhealthy desire!!  Often, our emotions are just natural, healthy responses to things that are going on around or within us.  Which leads me on to:

B) Feelings That Are Normal Responses To Life Events:

*I remember when a close friend left on home assignment.  I found myself all tearful shortly afterwards and realised I must be feeling sad about the separation.  The tears were a healthy reaction (even if non-emotional-me did take a while to realise what was happening!).

*I feel sad when we say goodbye to our parents, knowing that they may not see their grandchildren again for a few years.

*Sometimes I feel sad and/or angry over an injustice.  I might even cry or weep.  This seems like a natural, healthy reaction to a undesirable situation.   This normal, healthy reaction can be helpful in leading me into positive action such as fervent prayer, or doing something practical about a situation.

*I might feel uncomfortable if I've just said 'no' to someone.  This feeling of discomfort can be the price we pay for making healthy decisions.  (Not that I always make the best decisions; but sometimes it's the wisest decisions that leave us feeling most uncomfortable!)

*There are times when I'll be in a bad mood for no discernible reason, or because of hormones.  It might be helpful to consider whether I can do anything to improve the issues (eg taking better care of my body).   But usually I just need to remind myself that it will pass, distract myself as much as possible, and try to focus on being kind with my words at a time when it isn't easy to do so!

The last category is for times when my feelings are important in telling me that something is wrong, and that change is needed in order for me to stay healthy:

 C) Feelings That Show Me I Need To Do Something Differently

*If I find myself flooded with negative emotions and thoughts, it can be a sign I need to get more sleep.  Of course I can't guarantee that I'll be able to sleep well, or that I won't be woken up in the night, but I can at least put myself to bed at a sensible time, and have an evening routine that is conducive to good sleep.

*Sometimes a difficult feeling (eg guilt, shame, jealousy) is because of an issue that still needs to be worked through, or needs to be worked through yet again. 

*Occasionally a situation just feels 'wrong'.  That doesn't necessarily mean we need to jump to immediate conclusions based on our feelings.  But if we ignore the feeling and don't stop to think (and perhaps talk) about what's actually going on, we may find ourselves sinking deeper into messy situations or relationships.

*Although many feelings are normal responses to difficult situations and just need to be felt, sometimes we get a bit stuck when dealing with them and need further help (eg from a friend, a professional or a book).

So to sum up, I try to deal with difficult emotions by asking myself:

1) Is there an idol in my life that I need to surrender?
2) Is this just a normal reaction to a difficult situation?
3) Is there something I need to do or work through differently?

These are great topics for me to bring up in prayer!

And this is real life, so the answer is likely to fall into more than one category :-)
 

A Blog Post For the Less Emotional

This post is for you if:

1)      When something sad or hurtful happens you may (or may not) feel sad or distressed for a short time, but it doesn't interrupt your life in a big way. (A massive loss may affect you more than this.)

2)      You make decisions based on what seems most logical, not based on how others may feel about your choice.

3)      You find it confusing when other people cry, or feel upset for a long time, over something that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you.

4)      You don’t think about how others feel about you (even the idea of other people feeling things about you may be too confusing and alien for your brain to process).

5)      You don’t know what to do when people are upset.

This post describes me perfectly; at least it describes how I used to be before I learnt about emotions! 

It’s not that I don’t feel anything.  I can feel fear, guilt and shame.  I regularly feel annoyed.  I don't often feel sad though.  And when I do, it's not a deep, pervasive sadness.  It's usually more that I feel a little unsettled.  I can't think of many times when I've felt hurt by people; if I do feel this way, it usually doesn't take much to talk myself out of it.

So, here are my tips to myself, and to anyone like me:

1)      Recognise that you don’t have to suffer the painful emotions that others do.  This is particularly true for overseas workers away from home.  (As much as I love and appreciate my extended family, I’ve never once looked at pictures on Facebook at Christmas time and felt sad that I wasn’t there.)

2)      Realise that statements such as ‘If you don’t cry when you read this book, you aren’t human’ weren’t written with you in mind.

3)     Some authors will have you believe that all women feel emotions strongly, act a certain way or most desire a particular thing.  Books with these claims were apparently written by people who haven’t interacted with a wide enough range of women.

4)      Be grateful for the abilities God has given you.  If you are the only non-emotional person in your group of friends, you can bring a unique perspective to a situation. (Some of my deepest friendships work so well because we are different from each other in the area of emotions, so help each other achieve balance in our thinking and feeling.)

5)      Recognise that other people’s emotions can be a massive force in their lives, even if you can’t understand why they are upset.

6)      You don’t have to understand people’s emotions in order to help them.

7)      Often the best thing you can do is just to listen. (You may later have the chance to help with the practical issues; but first listen.)

8)      Listening is not a waste of time.  It’s often extremely helpful for people to process their emotions by talking. 

9)      Good listening involves acknowledging or clarifying what people have said. Again, the feelings don’t have to make sense to you.  You can still say things like, “It sounds like you felt really sad.” or  “How are you feeling about it all right now?”.

10)  Be gracious when people don’t respond to your own issues in the way you would most like, or when people assume you feel something that you don’t.  For instance, I realised years ago that when someone said, “I’m sorry to hear your relative died”, it would have been better to have responded with “thanks” than with “It’s ok – she was old”. 

11)  If you have children, listen out for their feelings too.  When they come home from school bubbling over with a story of something that’s affected them, or are clearly distressed, take the time to listen to their perspective, letting them share how they feel without immediately jumping in with solutions.   

If you have any tips to add, I'd love to hear from you in the comments section!

A Debt of Love

I've finally finished 'When People are Big and God is Small', by Edward T Welch.  Since my last blog post about this book I've come across another concept that really stood out to me:

In regard to loving others, Welch writes: 'we are in debt to our enemies, neighbours, and friends. No matter what they have done, and no matter how lopsided our giving to them is in contrast with theirs to us, we are in their debt.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law. The commandments... are summed up in this one rule: “Love your neighbour as yourself.” (Rom. 13:8-9)'

I certainly don't normally think in terms of having a Debt of Love to those around me.  My normal thinking goes like this: If someone has done something kind for me, I feel that I owe them a favour in return.  And if I've helped someone else with something, I feel better about asking them for help. 

I think some of our expectations in these areas are cultural.  In Papua New Guinea, reciprocity (a word I can neither spell nor pronounce!) is a vital part of relationships.  Gifts go back and forth, with each gift affecting the balance of the relationship.

Although I know really that God calls me to love everyone, I find myself taking on a new perspective when I consider the idea of a Debt of Love.

It's vital to remember that love does not mean saying "yes" to everyone.  As Welch puts it, 'People-pleasers can mistake “niceness” for love. When they do, they will be prone to being manipulated by others, and burn-out is sure to follow.'

It didn't take long before the opportunity came along to put the above into practice.  I was recently asked to do a small task that I'm not enthusiastic about.  It's not that I don't have the time, or that the request is unreasonable.  It's not something that someone else could do instead either.  I know that instead of carrying out the job resentfully, I need to see this as an opportunity to love people who haven't done anything for me, but who I have an opportunity to bless.
 

You won't find me on the Great British Bake Off

On two occasions I tried making cookies from scratch.  The first time, I pushed them too far into the oven and watched them burn in the fire at the bottom.  The second time, I think something went wrong when I mixed the butter and sugar together; in any case, they didn't work.
 
I think I may be the only expatriate woman around here who doesn't bake.  Though I certainly appreciate my friends who do :-).  Other than the doughnuts which we eagerly buy at market each week, there is no opportunity to purchase cakes around here.
 
I have a couple of exceptions to my 'no baking' way of life:
 
A) I sometimes make 100% wholemeal bread rolls with the help of my breadmaker (which I think I may have broken last week...).  We can't buy nice-tasting bread here and packed-lunch options are limited, so it's very helpful to have bread rolls that my family will all eat.
 
B) If a member of my family has a birthday and I haven't managed to talk anyone else into making a cake for them, I will somehow get involved in that process.  Usually Andrew makes the cake, using a box mix with some interesting added ingredients, and I do the icing.
 

Yay for our dinosaur cake tin, which so far as been used three times.

This is why I don't bake:  

1) Baking is not fun for me.  I know at least some people enjoy it.  Many people apparently also enjoy other activities which require some degree of co-ordination and artistic interest; for example painting nails, putting on make-up or doing crafts.  Not me.
 
2) It takes me too long to find the ingredients in my cupboards.  This leads me to believe my time would be better spent tidying my cupboards (something I find more enjoyable and satisfying than baking anyway!)
 
3) If I took time to bake, I'd have to give up something else in my life.  I don't want to stop resting or working, and I certainly can't afford to give up tidying!
 
4) In the culture I grew up in, a store-bought biscuit (Americans: think Oreo...or even half an Oreo with no cream) was considered a perfectly adequate snack.  So it's hard for me to find the motivation to produce anything more extravagant for 'snack' purposes, knowing that I could just purchase a packet of Oreos (which thankfully are available here).  I'm finding there are a range of other snacks I can send to events such as school parties that don't involve baking.
 
5) If I attempt to bake, I end up with flour and sugar all over the place, as well as dirty pots and pans that I might not get around to washing very quickly. The number of ants, cockroaches and rats and are roaming in the vicinity, eagerly searching for food, make this particularly dangerous.

6) I already have to cook mostly from scratch, due to the limited availability of ingredients.  I don't feel the need to spend any extra time in the kitchen.

Green omelet anyone?  I don't think I'll be starting a food blog anytime soon!

So, baking can leave me 1) unhappy 2) frustrated  3) unfulfilled  4) unmotivated 5) overwhelmed with mess and 6) kitchened-out.  Rather than feeling that I should bake more, I can see now that the world (and particularly my household) is probably a happier place when I avoid it as much as possible!
 
Please don't think that I have a low opinion of baking overall, or of time spent baking.  I greatly appreciate the efforts of people who make the baked goods that I love to eat.  I know baking can be great way to love and bless other people.  Life would be a lot less exciting for me if I never got to eat homemade baked goods.
 
But that doesn't mean that I personally have to be involved!
 

Seen by Others

How do others think and feel about me?  Does it matter? Do I need others to see me a certain way? Do I need God to have a good opinion of me? 

These are some of the questions that are coming up as I read through 'When People are Big and God is Small' by Edward Welch.  While I don't necessarily agree with everything Welch writes, it's certainly providing some great food for thought.  (Quotes in italics are from this book.) 



Freeimages.com/pakize öztürk

I like to have the approval and acceptance of others; It feels great to be seen as special, capable and helpful and to be included by others. I like to know that what I'm doing is important and significant to God. I think most people want to know they are loved. 

I feel good, temporarily at least, when these desires are satisfied. 

I've seen God use the encouragement of others to give me direction for the future.  

I can love other people by speaking positive words into their lives. 

I think it can be helpful to let our loved ones know how much we appreciate it when they acknowledge or recognise us in positive ways.

But what about the times when these desires aren't fulfilled and we're left feeling bad?

Is the solution to make sure that these felt needs do get fulfilled, even if it means resorting to demanding, complaining, or manipulating?

 Is it possible that the pain we feel in these situations is more complex than we realise?  Could it be that our unquenchable thirst for love and approval stems from our own brokenness and from our doubts about who we really are?  Perhaps the compliments and affirmations we so desperately seek will never be enough to fully satisfy us.

But what if let the difficult, sometimes agonising, feelings of not being loved or accepted direct us to pursue the truth about who we really are and what we really need?

Here are some questions that I've been considering as I read about unfulfilled emotional desires:

-Do I need to grow in my Fear of the Lord, and 'remember that these people who control you are harmless kittens when compared to the Lion of Judah'? I was greatly helped by Welch's chapters on the fear of the Lord; it's a topic I've mostly glossed over before.

-Am I fully believing who I am in Christ? 

-How aware am I of God's unfathomable love? Am I delighting in the God who fills me (which is the subject of Welch's 10th chapter)?

-Do I know what it means for God to cover my shame?

-Do I know that I'm accepted by God?

-Is the strength of my unmet desire exacerbated by hormones or by a lack of sleep? In these cases, I find it helpful to remember that the feelings are temporary.

-Have I lost sight of some of my deepest needs: To bring glory to God; to love him and love others? Here is something I've discovered in various relationships: If I move my focus away from what I want from my friend, and onto how I can love that person in the way that's best for them, I've been able to maintain a much more happy and healthy perspective.

I certainly don't see any simple answers when it comes to handling these emotional desires.   Things can get particularly messy when issues from the present and wounds from the past bring extra pain and complexity.

I'm also not saying we should allow people to hurl negative messages at us (I'm remembering what I learnt about 'Debunking the Myth of Forgive-and-Forget').

Sometimes we do need to avoid certain unhealthy situations: Perhaps permanently; perhaps until the situation changes; perhaps until we have reached a healthier point in our ability to deal with it.

It's not simple, figuring out how to deal with those feelings that lead us to believe we need to be more loved, more understood, more approved of, more significant etc. I still don't know exactly what I think about it all. But as I notice strong unfulfilled desires within me, I want to react in a way that draws me further into loving and fearing God, loving his people and bringing glory to him.

 Thoughts, comments, and challenges are welcome in the comments section!

Fixated on a Plan

Yesterday a friend was talking to me about the debilitating frustration of having a plan thwarted; how it can feel impossible to move on to a different task when there's such a strong desire to carry out the original plan.

I first I thought, "Well, I can't relate to that".  Later though I laughed at myself while remembering that this exact thing had happened to me the night before:

It was Friday night and I was more exhausted than I'd been in a long time.  But it was ok, because I had a plan: I would borrow a DVD and then lie on the sofa to watch it as soon as I'd got the girls into bed. 

It all started off fine.  The children and I each found a DVD to borrow and (I thought) we took them all home.  However, just after reading the bedtime story I realised I couldn't find my DVD anywhere. 

My plan was thwarted!  I felt like there was no way I could now experience the restful, relaxing evening that I'd been looking forward to all week. 

I was not happy.  And everyone knew it.  Even the front door felt the effects of my frustration as I stomped in from checking the car one more time.

Eventually I did calm down, and spent the evening watching a TV programme.  I achieved my goal of having a quiet evening, but just not in the way I'd first planned.

There was nothing wrong with my desire to spend the evening watching the borrowed DVD.  In fact, my need to spend an evening horizontal, doing something restful, was very real (that was obvious to all!).  The problem came when my desire to achieve this time of rest through a particular DVD became a 'need'.

The quotes in italics are from 'Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands' by Paul David Tripp:

The source of (improper) need-driven expectation is the source of untold conflict in relationships...Eventually I will come to accept the logic of my neediness.  I will find it painful to live without the thing I desire.  I will think it is appropriate to do everything in my power to get it.  It becomes my right.

The following steps are helpful in showing how a healthy desire can start to turn sinister:

1. Desire: "I want."  Nothing went wrong here.

2. Demand: "I must." The desire is no longer an expression of love for God and man, but something I crave for myself.

3. Need: "I will." Something desirable is now seen as essential.  I am convinced I cannot live without it.

These can lead to

4. Expectation: "You should." 

5. Disappointment: "You didn't!"

6. Punishment: "Because you didn't, I will..."

I found this Bible quote from James 4:1 (NIV) very helpful in understanding what goes on in me:

What causes quarrels and fights among you?  Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?

Our desires fight for control of our hearts.  What controls our hearts will exercise inescapable influence over our lives and behaviour. 

Often our desires involve positive goals.  For instance, we might want to complete a project that would be helpful to many; we might desire to finish a task with 100% accurately; perhaps we want our time to be used efficiently.  But these desires can still get in the way of what God most wants for us if we let them become needs or demands.

There are some things that we know are always top priorities.  I know God wants me to be kind and patient towards others.  (I also know that I need to look after my own body and mind so that I'm as prepared as I can be for this task.)  When other felt needs become more important to me than my need to put God first and to love others, then something is wrong.  My other 'needs' have become idols. 

For those of us who live with family, it quickly becomes obvious (to our families, if not to us!) when we are allowing ourselves to be ruled by the less vital desires. 

As I've mentioned before, I have a big fear of communicating the wrong information.  Of course there's nothing wrong with re-reading an email once to check that it really says what I want it to and that there aren't any obvious errors.  However, when I'm refusing to attend to the needs of my children because I'm spending so long checking and re-checking what I wrote, then my need to 'get it right' has become an idol that is more important to me than loving my children.  By being too focussed on one area of responsibility, I actually become irresponsible.

It can be challenging to notice all the desires that are battling within us, and to work out what matters most.  It's especially hard when some of the less important desires feel so vital.  Perhaps we each have to figure out for ourselves which strategies will help us do what's right in the face of thwarted plans or tempting distractions.  Here is what's helpful for me:

*I might consciously remind myself I'm doing the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it. 

*I can ask myself what action would be most honouring to God right now. 

*As someone whose mind tends to fixate on irrational obsessions, it helps to ask a trusted person whether the thing that feels so important to me really is something I need to be putting energy into. (edit: Clare's husband is amazingly awesome at this!--her husband)

* If I'm spending too long trying to get something 'just right', I know I need to hand over to God the responsibility for the outcome of my work, remembering that he is big enough even to turn my mess into something that will bring him glory. 

*In the case of my DVD-melt-down, especially as I was feeling so exhausted, it helped when I finally stopped my frantic activity and instead lay down and calmed down for a few minutes until I started to think more clearly.  If I'd had more energy, doing something different and enjoyable for a few minutes might have helped my distress levels to diminish enough that I could approach the situation more rationally.

It's hard.  It's painful.  We won't always get it right.  But being able to recognise that our strongest desires aren't always the ones that we need to be attending to, no matter how important they might feel, seems like a great first step.

The Myth of the Perfect Friendship

I think many of us have felt a longing for the perfect friendship: The kind of friendship where we are constantly secure and happy in the relationship and free from all insecurity and frustration.
   
Now that I'm in a place of having some very strong, healthy relationships, I've discovered something: A genuine friendship with another human is a wonderful thing; but many of our ideas about 'The Perfect Friendship' are based more in myth than in reality.

Myth #1: A Great Friend Will Leave You Emotionally Fulfilled After Every Interaction

This excellent blog post about marriage got me thinking about how our insecurities can also affect our expectations about friendship.  If I feel insecure after talking to a good friend, it's probably not because she did something wrong.  It's much more likely to be related to the lies I believe about myself.  For instance, if my friend sounds a bit more distant than usual (perhaps she has a house full of small children), and if it doesn't happen to be a conversation when she says something affirming to me, it might trigger thoughts such as, 'I'm annoying.  People don't want to spend time with me'.

A healthy friendship will leave me with unanswered questions at times. Frequently pushing for reassurance will hurt, not help, the relationship. It's not a bad thing to be in a place where I don't feel completely satisfied, and where I need to go back to the truth of who I am in God.  

Myth #2: A Great Friend Will Always be Available When You Want Him/Her To Be

I have three small children.  There are times when a high quality conversation with another adult just isn't possible.  There are times when I'm busy because I already have something on the calendar.  I know that I'm not always free to chat or spend time with people.  I imagine the same is true for you too.  But it's easy to feel put out when we're on the other side of things and it's our friend who isn't available for us. 

It's even harder when our friend doesn't have the same availability as we do; perhaps because her time is less flexible, her family commitments are different or because her personality means she needs more time alone.

I love this quote that I saw on the Grace for Moms website: 'But if your idea of a good friendship is based on accessibility – or, “being there” for someone – then consider this: the Word says a friend loves at all times.  It doesn’t say a friend is always at your beck and call.  It doesn’t say a friend will respond immediately when you have a question, or need to vent about some frustration.'
 
It can be disappointing when a friend isn't available at a time I'd like them to be. However, life goes a lot better when I give my friends the same grace that I would want to be shown.

Myth #3 A Great Friend Understands You Completely

I'm different from many of my friends in how I think and feel, and also in terms of my cultural background.  That's great because we can help each other by seeing an issue from a different perspective.  It also means that I might need to explain my thoughts and feelings more than I would to someone who is wired the same way or has a more similar upbringing. 
 
I have other friends who I can explain myself easily to because they think like me, or because they are from the same country.  I wouldn't go into details of my love of spreadsheets with my friend who hates mathematics, but it might be a great connection point with a different friend. 
 
I don't know if anyone has one friend who they can connect well with on every level.  It's great to have a range of friends; all of our friends might frustrate us in some ways; but each one can also bring something unique to the relationship. 

For the same reason, it's important to recognise that our closest friends will also enjoy and benefit from friendships with others too.  If this makes me feel uncomfortable, it's a good time to stop and look at my own motives rather than letting feelings of ill will linger.

Myth #4: A Great Friend Will Always Take Your Advice

It's hard to see others making choices that we see as being destructive.  I'm slowing learning that it's not my job to fix my friends.  I'm working on turning first to God in prayer, and being more careful about when to speak up and when not to. 
 
I'm also learning that my friends are free to make their own choices.  Sometimes they need to figure out for themselves that a decision wasn't so great after all.  Often God's timing isn't my timing for bringing a particular issue to someone's attention.  At times I've been blown away by how God has spoken powerfully into a situation in a way that didn't involve me saying anything :-).  And of course sometimes I'm the one who is wrong about what is best for my friend!
 
I need to love my friends in what I say and how I act.  The outcome is not my responsibility though; It's not my job to make sure my friends always act sensibly.

The Reality:

I appreciate my friends immensely.  However, I know I'm never going to find another human who will meet all my needs, who will always be there for me and who will always understand me and my concerns.  And that's ok.  There is only One who can manage all this; may our desire for the perfect friendship send us running into his arms.      

Being at Peace with Getting it Wrong

I realised something about myself this week, after reading from the book of Romans (8:15) in the Bible:

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.

I realised that the vast majority of fear in my life is related to me doing or saying the wrong thing.  Whether my fear is an irrational, obsessive one, or just a thought that passes through my head, it's usually something to do with me getting something wrong.

"What if I say x and someone interprets it as y and then z happens" (with 'z' often being a highly catastrophic outcome).

It works for the past too: I can obsess over what I've already written or said, and sometimes over what disastrous consequence might happen as a result.

But God didn't design me to be a super human who never makes mistakes and who excels in every area.  He knows I don't think quickly in a crisis.  He knows I'm not a perfect listener.  He knows I might recall the wrong information, or interpret a situation incorrectly.  Yet he tells me that I am not a slave to fear; I am his Child and he is my Father. 

Even when I confess to doing something that I knew was a bad idea, he meets me with grace and forgiveness.

God is big enough to deal with my messy situations, and even to turn them into something wonderful.  It's God's job to do everything perfectly; it's my job to love him and love others the best I can.

I know that whether I get it right or get it wrong, God is still the perfect healer.  And so I have peace.