Eleven Things I've Learnt in Eleven Years of Marriage

We celebrated our eleventh wedding anniversary this year.  I've been learning a lot along the way:

1) The strength of my marriage is not measured by the intensity of my feelings.  I'm not someone who regularly overflows with positive feelings towards others; so it's unlikely you'll ever find me declaring that I fall more and more in love with my husband every year.  That doesn't mean that our relationship hasn't strengthened though.

2) Our marriage has strengths that I'm not even aware of.  I thought I had a good idea of the areas where our marriage is strong and not so strong.  And of course it's easy to focus on the 'not so strong'.  A couple of years ago though I took part in a small group study about marriage.  The issues talked about were ones that I'd never even realised people struggled with; I knew we didn't.  I wonder what other areas of strength we have that I'm totally unaware of.

3)  Forgiveness is vital.  Resentment quickly sours a relationship.   When there are ongoing disappointments about something that I'm still waiting for, I may have to forgive 'seventy time seven times'.  I have probably needed forgiveness this many times for some of my own bad habits!

4) I am not responsible for my husband's choices.  Whether it's the words he speaks to others, the answers he gives to questions on a form or actions he takes, I have to recognise that it's not my job to control his choices and I am not responsible for the outcome of his decisions.  Of course I can give my opinion; I can pray; I can decide how I respond afterwards.  If he has offended or annoyed someone, it's between him and them; it doesn't need to affect my relationship with that person or their partner.

5) It's a very bad idea to compare my husband with others.   And these comparisons are usually inaccurate anyway: It's too easy to notice someone else's strengths without noting their more unappealing characteristics.

6) It is good to recognise the things that I really appreciate about my husband.  Not so that I can gloat, but so that I can be thankful.

7) I've learnt, through my husband, about the habits I have that can irritate others.   Some of them I can understand (such as leaving cupboard doors open, and interrupting).  Others make no sense to me, but are easy to avoid.  There are some goals that are always going to be a struggle for me (eg keeping the kitchen neat and tidy) but I can at least try.

8) When circumstances aren't ideal, I can adjust my expectations.   There are many interests and views that I would love to share with my husband.  But I'm married to a real person and not to a reflection of myself.   Yes, it would be nice if we had more shared interests.  But it can also be enjoyable to do things separately and come back and share our experiences.

9) Caring for others needs to start with my husband.  I've learnt so much in the last few years about supporting people through difficult times.  If I don't apply my listening skills to my own husband though, something is wrong. 

10) Sometimes I'm wrong!  I tend to be overconfident in my opinions and recall of facts.  Being married for ten years has given me plenty of opportunities to become more humble :-)

11) I still have plenty to learn.  My husband's personality is so different to mine.  After eleven years I still have lots to learn about how to love my husband and communicate well with him.

Learning to Debunk the Myths of Forgive-and-Forget

Are you in a situation where the same person keeps hurting you again and again?  You know you're supposed to keep forgiving, but things aren't getting any better.  You feel powerless.

If so, then Kay Bruner's new book 'Debunking the Myths of Forgive-And-Forget' was written for you.

If this isn't the case, then keep reading anyway.  To be honest, I'm struggling to think of many situations in my own life when I've been deeply hurt by someone else, but I've still learnt some great stuff about forgiveness by reading this book.

Kay shows how the simple 'forgive and forget' that we were taught as children, and in some cases are still being taught, isn't enough to help us through the complex situations we now find ourselves in.  In fact, this over-simplified answer can lead to us feeling further crippled by pain and helplessness.

These myths of forgiveness are dispelled in the book:

*Forgiveness is quick and easy
*Forgiveness makes me a victim
*Forgiveness condones abuse
*Forgiveness means I can’t confront
*Forgiveness means the relationship is automatically restored
*Forgiveness requires restoration of the relationship

Kay explains how to approach forgiveness so that it will truly bring 'rest to our souls'.  I love this:

'Forgiveness is not another burden for us. It’s the way to live free and clear, but we’ve got to take our hands off the other person’s throat in order to receive the gift of freedom.'

It can be dangerous to focus only on forgiveness and to ignore what it says in the Bible about dealing appropriately with grievances.

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the fault. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If that person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. If the church decides you are right, but the other person won’t accept it, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.” Matthew 18: 15-17, NLT

As the author writes, 'Jesus tells us that he cares passionately about the abandoned, the poor, the downtrodden. Injustice, as Jesus talks about it, is not something to put up with, or to quickly “forgive and forget.” Injustice is something to be resisted and corrected and dealt with. When we find ourselves confronted with injustice, we ought to take the strongest possible steps to stop it...'

I read about the importance of speaking up in relationships and of getting help from others if needed.  I liked the idea of thinking carefully before confronting: Checking that the offence really is a sin, rather than a difference of opinion; asking whether there's something else going on within us that makes us react so strongly; and checking that the issue truly is something that it's our business to point out.

One thing I found really helpful was reading about the difference between 'Forgiveness', 'Trust', and 'Healing'. 

* It's my job to forgive, to 'let go of my right to the debt I am owed'.

* It's up to the other person to act in a way that is trustworthy.

* Healing is something different again and, ultimately, is God's responsibility.

Applying this to situations that could come up in my own life:

*I can forgive someone for not yet completing a task, while still approaching them about finishing it.
*I can forgive someone, even though I'm still dealing with the consequences of their actions.
*I can forgive someone for regularly letting me down regarding a practical matter, but still choose to make back-up plans.
*I can forgive someone while still acknowledging that they have issues to work through.
*I can forgive someone for repeatedly disclosing my secret , but I'll be more careful about what I share next time.
*I can forgive someone for causing me pain, even though it still hurts.

Kay discusses what to do when reconciliation isn't a healthy choice, including situations when someone remains untrustworthy.  She explains,

'Releasing the relationship doesn’t mean that we shun or hate or despise. We simply release the other person from our expectations and obligations, and trust God to bless that other person. I may not have the capacity, in my pain, to be a blessing to that person. But God can, and He will. No matter how badly the relationship may have ended, God still loves that person. He loves me. As we release relationships, we trust that God redeems and restores, even though we can’t.'

I want to end with one of my favourite quotes from the book.  Kay is writing about Jesus' response when Peter asks how many times he should forgive someone.  This is her interpretation of what Jesus is saying to Peter:

'You’re right. You can’t control what other people are going to do. Remember, we don’t live in the power paradigm. We live as receivers and givers of Love, dedicated to offering reconciliation, not insisting on control. After you’ve confronted the person, and pursued justice, sadly, that person may not choose reconciliation. Eventually, you might just have to forgive, seventy times seven. But guess what, you have more resources than you’ve ever explored. Stop obsessing about what this one person owes you, and revel in all the riches of the Kingdom. Once you do that, that old debt might not matter quite as much. But let me tell you, if you’re so determined to pursue what that one person owes you, you’re going to turn your back on the treasure, and you’ll end up miserable. That’s how it works. You’ve got free will. You choose.'